Coping With a Miscarriage

Let me preface this by saying I have no idea where I'm going with this.  It's probably going to come across as some kind of weird, depressed sounding rant.  But, frankly, that doesn't bother me.

This past November, I miscarried our first child.  To say the least, it was and is frustrating and heartbreaking.  Unless you have experienced it, you can't understand the roller coaster of emotions it puts you through.  I think that is part of the reason it is so frustrating; so many people don't understand what's going on, so they don't know what to say or do to help you.  What happens as a result of this is that people either try to pretend that nothing happened to you or they say something that is the worst possible thing you could have been told at that moment.

The worst thing initially for me was feeling abandoned by some of the people that were so quick to give me a hug when I found out I was pregnant.  My sweet husband and mom kept reminding me that they just didn't know what to say, and I couldn't figure out why they just couldn't tell me they were sorry I was going through this.  I remember going to a school activity the next day and so many people couldn't look me in the eye or speak to me.  That was terrible.

For me, the miscarriage was huge and took captive the majority of my thoughts, for everyone else it was something that they briefly felt sorry for me for and then they didn't think about again.  It's not so much that I wanted people to feel sorry for me as much as I wanted to know that someone cared that I was suffering this much.  Nearly 3 months down the road and I still have days that I want to sit down and cry about it.  Occasionally, I give in.

So, three long, sad, and possibly pointless paragraphs later I will finally get to my point.  I want people to know what to do when/if a friend or family member has to experience this.

#1 - Ask them how they're doing, and do it often, and don't quit unless they ask you to.  They won't be over this in a matter of days.  And when you ask them, make sure you have time to really listen.
#2 - More than likely, you have no idea what they went through to get pregnant.  So, while to you a comment about them probably getting pregnant the next month seems encouraging, it's probably not going to get across that way.
#3 - Don't be afraid of "making them cry".  There is nothing wrong with giving them a hug and saying, "I'm so sorry".  If they start crying, let them.   Here's the deal, YOU aren't making them cry; losing a child is what's making them cry and there's nothing wrong with crying about that.
#4- If you don't know what to say but want to do something, take them a meal.  Chances are they don't feel like cooking or going out to eat.  A wonderful woman in my church brought us homemade chicken and noodles and hot rolls.  I couldn't thank her enough for it.
#5- If you know they are going to have to be at home alone alot, offer to just sit there and watch movies with them.  I hated any little bit I would have to be alone for the first few days.

Here is a short list of the best things people said to me:
 - I already loved your baby too (or other variations of the same point)
-  You will never forget about it, so don't try.  Let yourself be upset and trust God to take care of you.
Yeah, that list was really short, I'm sure there are a lot more that I'm not coming up with at the moment.

I would be remiss to not include how wonderful my husband was throughout this whole ordeal. He was honest about how he didn't feel like it impacted him as much as it impacted me.  He set aside the next 3 days to be there for me and do what I needed him to.  He sat on the couch watching movies he probably didn't want to see and held my hands through the physically painful part, and encouraged me to get out of the house when I started feeling better.

And, of course, my wonderful parents who came to the hospital and sat in the waiting room even though there was nothing they could really do but pray.

whew! I'm a little long winded.  If you have experienced a miscarriage; I would love to pray for you - please email me!